Myths and stereotypes about domestic and sexual violence, and the behaviour of men and women underpin our understanding, thinking and current interventions and practices. Understanding these myths and stereotypes is important as often. Some of the most common myths are listed and explained below.

‘She provoked him – she must ask for it – what did she do?’

Nobody deserves to be abused. There is no justification for violent crime. The biggest risk factor for suffering domestic and sexual violence is being a woman. Domestic and sexual violence does not just happen to bad people. Being good does not stop a woman being victimised.

If domestic violence is that bad, why wouldn’t they speak up or leave?

Domestic violence victims remain silent for valid reasons. In the early stages, women hope that the abuser will change or stop the violence. When it doesn’t stop, a woman remains silent primarily because of fear: of the abuser’s threats to kill her, to stalk her, to take her children away, to hurt her or others she loves, to kill her pet, to kill himself, and many other reasons linked to the abuse they are experiencing. It takes great courage for any women to tell if she thinks she is going to be a greater greater risk. She may not know where to go for help; she may be afraid of what he will do if she were to leave or if he were to find her. She may have been told she cannot take the children away from their father; she may hope he is going to change; she may be under pressure from her family or community to stay. Sometimes the perpetrator has convinced her that the abuse was her fault.

Many women are prevented from talking, because their abuser has locked them in the house, took the phone to work or always accompanied her to the GP. Some women can’t communicate because of language or communication barriers. Other women may hesitate to get help because they feel ashamed, because the perpetrator has convinced them the abuse was their fault, and that they are failures. Most often, women have tried to do something and tried to get help before but they feel that no one has listened.

The reality is that many women do leave, but abusers continue to stalk, harass, threaten, and/or assault them. It is not just the abuser who doesn’t let the woman go; our society and the law can pressure them to maintain contact; for instance, the courts under the Children Act (1989) can impose contact, and thereby risk ongoing abuse. Many women do not know about refuges and even if they do, refuges are sometimes overcrowded and daily they have to turn women away. Many women face money problems, and may have debts, and they may fear how they will survive financially on their own. They may have been prevented from working or studying which will have reduced their earning potential. Leaving all their possessions and furniture, and without the hope of help from the abuser, may leave them struggling to think about how they can start again. Some women may face particularly difficult obstacles to coping alone, including migrant women, women with mental health needs or physical disability, women who have drug or alcohol problems, or very young women or elderly women. It is actually a miracle that so many women find the strength to leave.

When anybody leaves a violent and abusive relationship they are taking a huge risk and being very brave. The most important thing they can do is seek support and know that they do not have to do this on their own. There is help available and agencies can work together to reduce the risk and increase the options for survival.

‘It only happens in working class families’

Violent men come from every social and economic background. Partners or ex-partners abuse women from all backgrounds: no matter what their education or income. However, in some communities it is more hidden: women with lower incomes may be ‘counted’ as they are more likely to turn to the public sector for help or refuge. In North London, 25% of professional women and 30% of working class women experienced domestic violence at some point in their lives; 7% professional women and 10% lower-income women experienced domestic violence within the previous year. In the same survey, 20% professional men admitted hitting their partner, compared to 21% working class men and 17% lower middle class men.

Knowing that any woman can be abused is important as this means that we do not shut our eyes and ears to abuse.

"He was abused himself: men who abuse women come from violent families"

We know that many men who grow up in violent families don't go on to become abusers and many men who are violent to their partner come from families with no history of abuse. This myth is an excuse to let abusers blame their violence on their upbringing and not take responsibility for their behaviour. Each man has a choice about his behaviour and if he chooses to be violent and abusive this is his responsibility.

“He has a problem controlling his temper – he just loses it – he just sees the red mist’

Most domestic violence is systematic and premeditated, not a momentary loss of self-control. Most violent men can control themselves and only assault women and children - not their boss or bank manager, or anybody else that they meet Most will not subject their partner to assault in public, they often physically assault her and cause injuries that will not show when she is dressed. If they have enough control to do this, they could use their control to walk away. All of the research shows that abusive men do not just use physical violence, they use psychological and emotional abuse, financial control and exploitation and sexual violence. These forms of violence and abuse cannot be explained by him having a problem with controlling his temper.

Black and Minority Ethnic men are more violent to women because of their own experience of racist oppression and violence’

Black men do face racist oppression but the statistics show violence is not greater within any ethnic minority group Chauvinist views and oppression of women exist in all cultures, although gender power may be displayed in different ways. However, Black and Minority Ethnic women will often have additional needs as a result of the combination of domestic violence and racism and will need additional or specialist support.

‘Drunks are violent’; ‘if he stopped drinking the domestic violence would stop’

Many men who drink are not violent. Many men are sober when they abuse their partners only 32% of reported assaults to the police occur whilst the perpetrator is under the influence of alcohol. Some men use drink to deny responsibility and as an excuse for violence; many women know before a perpetrator starts drinking that he will be violent, he might taunt her that he will abuse her on his return.

Women are 17 times more likely to contact police when a perpetrator is drunk or drugged because he is less predictable: contributing to a misconception that drugs or alcohol caused the violence. Remember the vast majority of physical and sexual assaults are never reported, and alcohol cannot explain the spectrum of behaviour defined as domestic violence including, psychological and emotional abuse, or financial control. The majority of abusers are not alcoholics and the majority of men classified as high level drinkers do not abuse their wives.

Alcohol is present in some physical domestic assaults, and a quarter of all facial injuries to women happen during alcohol-related domestic assaults. However, many people who get drunk sing, fall asleep, or get sick, but do not assault their partner. The majority (76%) of physically abusive incidents occur in the absence of alcohol. The most significant predictor of behaviour immediately after drinking was not the physiological effect of alcohol but the meaning the person gave the drink. It’s is seen as a socially acceptable reason for loss of control.

‘Asian women are passive and conform to male dominated culture and religion with harsh traditions (that may include wife beating, maiming and killing)’

Women from different cultures experience domestic violence, and the risk does not differ significantly according to ethnicity or religion. Women who are Christian, Hindu, Jewish, Muslim and Sikh etc all may experience domestic violence. There is no such a thing as one Asian culture, and the view that domestic violence is acceptable in Muslim communities is false and unsubstantiated. However, forced marriage, family honour (izzat) and shame (sharam) can play an important part in some Asian families and further limit women’s safety to seek help. Asian women are 2-3 times more likely to attempt suicide than other women. Many Asian women seek support, fight back, and also work as advocates challenging this behaviour – none of these behaviours can be classed as passive.

‘He’s a good dad, so she should stay for the sake of the children’

In 50-70% of homes where men assault women, children are abused as well. Half the men who abuse their wives assault their children more than twice a year. The impact of domestic violence is serious and cumulative. Witnessing domestic violence can cause a variety of physical, cognitive and emotional problems for children, and refuge workers report 100% of children are psychologically damaged by living with domestic violence. Their beliefs about managing conflict control and gender will be affected by witnessing their father abuse their mother.

Apart from physical risk (intentional and accidental), children may be at risk of neglect, since their mother is not safe enough to offer the parenting she might want to: either because she restricts their behaviour to minimise the risk of violence, or because her degree of trauma impacts on her availability. Research shows the emotional and physical health of children improves considerably when they are removed from violence.

‘It's not really domestic violence; it's just the odd row/domestic tiff"

Domestic violence almost always is repeated and escalates in severity and frequency over time. Repeated abuse is damaging and potentially life-threatening to women and children. Although some women fight back or defend themselves when they are being assaulted, this does not mean that she 'is as bad as him'. This is called self defence or self preservation. When women fight back it often has serious consequences for them and can result in greater injuries.

‘Some women just go from one abusive relationship to another’

Abusive men are not easy to identify. It's not easy to tell just by looking at somebody whether they are an abuser or not. In any event, at the beginning of relationships, abusive men are often charming, attentive and caring. Although the majority of men are not, there are still very significant numbers of men who are abusers.

The biggest risk factor for being subjected to domestic violence is being a woman. Domestic violence does not just happen to bad people and being ‘good’ does not stop a woman being victimised. There is no correlation between a woman’s background and the chances of her being abused. However, some men will seek out vulnerable women and where women have been abused before and disclose this some men will see her as easy to control and will target her. If she has been abused before her self esteem may be very low and she may believe that this behaviour is acceptable and that she can’t do anything about it. This is not true as it is never acceptable to use violence and abuse in a relationship.

‘It's just a tiff, domestic violence is a private matter; we shouldn't interfere’

Domestic violence is not something to be minimised nor is it just a private matter. Violence is a terrible crime in our society and a public matter. Domestic violence affects women and children, neighbours, family, friends, colleagues and communities. If we suspect a woman is experiencing domestic violence, we should try and let her know that we are there to support her. To ignore a woman's screams or injuries it to make her feel invisible will add to the sense of isolation she probably already feels. If she does not want to talk about it, she won't.

As the prevalence statistics indicate, domestic violence of any kind is serious, causes significant injury and can be life-threatening. Many women have been killed ‘accidentally’ when their throat has been squeezed ‘too hard’ or when their head bounces off a wall for the last time. A ‘row’ does not mean injury or bodily harm. Domestic violence is purposeful and systematic behaviour that occurs without a two-sided argument, since victims learn not to answer back. Women are no more responsible than the victim of any other crime. Focussing on the relationship clouds the issues and excuses the perpetrator. Women experiencing domestic violence very rarely exaggerate; indeed, the majority minimise and under-report the extent of the violence.

‘There is no point in getting involved because the women always go back’

Leaving violent situations does not guarantee safety. Women are at most risk of life-threatening violence when they attempt to leave or have recently left a partner. 35% of women experienced increased violence from their partner after separation.

The vast majority of women who have escaped successfully left a number of times prior to the final break. Under the Human Rights Act (2000) professionals who do not take any action when a woman discloses domestic violence risk being sued if her partner murders her and the family finds the professional knew, and then did nothing.

‘What about the men abused by women?’

This question seems to side-step the abuse experienced by the woman, and deny the need for services to women and children, who are the vast majority of victims. However, we do know that male victim of domestic violence exist and should not be overlooked. He too has the right to be identified and to be able to access support. Support services for me can be found on this website in our directory of services. However, research clearly shows that women are at more risk for two reasons:

The inequalities of physical power between men and women will have a profound effect on any violent encounter. Men are usually larger and stronger than women, so the same acts (e.g. shoving, punching, slapping) have different consequences. Men use more dangerous forms of violence, make more frightening threats, do more damage and are almost always the perpetrators in sexual assaults.

Men and women usually have different motives when they are violent. Research shows men report that the primary purpose of their violence was to ‘intimidate’, ‘frighten’ or ‘force the other person to do something’ (e.g. to obtain sex). In contrast, women most frequently gave self-defence or retaliation as the reason for their aggression. Taken to the most extreme, studies by have identified abused women who have killed in self-defence, using violence as a last resort to protect their own lives and/or the lives of their children. In the most extreme case of homicide, at least 60% of men initiated the violence that preceded their death.

All victims deserve support and in Sefton if men or women come forward they will be provided with support and advice.

‘She must have asked for it. She must have provoked him’

Domestic violence is a crime; she is a victim, not a criminal. The abuser will often claim he has been provoked, but no provocation justifies violence and abuse (just as being poor is not an acceptable justification for burglary). Victims of any other crime (such as mugging or bombing) are not told they deserved it. What abusive men count as ‘provocation’ is abnormal: women are assaulted for not having a meal ready, or asking for money, or are attacked in their sleep.

Provocation is an excuse abusive men use to avoid responsibility for their behaviour. No woman ever deserves to be beaten, or abused, no matter what she has said or done. The idea that provocation leads to violence does not universally apply -if an abuser feels provoked by his boss or bank manager, it is unlikely that he would punch them in the face or kick them to the ground. He will use violence and abuse to control his partner and maintain power over her.

‘She stays because she loves him or she is co-dependent’

Loving the charming person that she eets at the beginning of a relationship is not the same as loving the reality, that the same person is capable of love and abuse. Abusive men us a range of tactics that can mean that he alternates between kind, loving and remorseful and insulting, threatening and violent, and any relationship is based on fear rather than affection. Following recognition of the Stockholm Syndrome we now know that attachment to, or identification with, the perpetrator is a natural survival strategy, when hostages are dependent on their captors for basic rights, including food, water and toilet privileges (or controlled by some men within a domestic situation). The captives become indebted to their captors for awarding privileges: the right to eat, or sleep, not to be raped etc.

Women try many strategies to prevent abuse, and always hope it will never happen again. Women feel horror, terror, and disgust – and never talk of any positive features about being attacked. If a woman returns to a relationship, it is not to the violence that she is returning but to the hope that it has stopped. Society may label the woman who returns as a masochist, someone who likes violence and abuse, but does not label an abusive man as a sadist, who is gratified by inflicting injury through violence and abuse. There are no excuses for abuse and violence.

Some women just say they've been abused to get rehoused

Leaving an abusive relationship can often mean leaving belongings and pets behind, taking children away from their father, friends and schools; living in overcrowded refuges or hostel accommodation while waiting for sometime to be re-housed. Moving away from familiar surroundings, family, friends and community networks is something few women would choose to put herself and her children through without good reason. Most women want to stay in their own home if they can and Sefton Council can assist them to do this in some circumstances by installing extra security and the provision of support via the Sanctuary Scheme.

Men who assault their wives are mentally ill.

Woman abuse is too common to be explained or excused by mental illness. Most men with mental health problems do not abuse, and most abusers would not be diagnosed as mentally ill. It has been estimated that only 3% of men who abuse their wives show signs of organic brain damage. The proportion of abusers who are mentally ill is no higher than in society as a whole. Even if it was caused by mental illness, why doesn’t the abuser attack their employer, or strangers? And how does mental illness explain psychological or emotional abuse? How does this explain harassment? How does this explain sexual assaults? Finally, trying to excuse his behaviour in this way will not diminish the effects or impact of the violence on the victim, and her children.

He has poor impulse control; a problem in anger management

Many people feel angry but do not assault another person. Anger is a healthy feeling, and emotion; violence and abuse is criminal behaviour. Most men who physically assault their partners do so in the privacy of their own home, not outside in public view, suggesting that his assaults are not subject to his current emotion or poor impulse control; he can wait to beat her when they get home, in a planned way. Some women are hauled out of bed, asleep, and beaten. The abuse is often directed to parts of the body that will not be visible if bruised. Most violent men would not attack their boss, bank manager or a stranger when frustrated or angry.

His assault is often ‘in cold blood’ with no sign of ‘loss of temper’. Physical assault may stop immediately if there is an interruption such as a phone call, or a ring at the door. In addition sexual violence, emotional, psychological and financial abuse cannot be explained by a ‘loss of temper’.

Men who beat their wives are a danger to the community

Perpetrators of domestic violence seldom attack anyone outside their family. The deterrents from attacking a stranger are much more established in law. The hidden nature of the secret increases her isolation and self-blame. However, indirectly, the repercussions of domestic violence do affect society: including the police, the courts, medical costs, education, employment and human rights. Domestic violence is against the law. However, when abusive men are challenged they may become violent and abusive to professionals, neighbours etc, and it is important that all members of the community do consider risks and always call the police if you are concerned about the well being of someone else.

It was a one-off. He’s learned a lesson. He was really sorry.

Domestic violence is not a single incident, or even a series of them. It is a systematic pattern of control and intimidation. Apologies may be another form of coercion, without evidence that he has taken responsibility for his abuse and means to keep his promise. On the whole, studies show that violence and abuse tends to recur and become more frequent and severe over time and domestic violence rarely stops without intervention, of two main types: arrest and charge, and behaviour modification which can be provided by perpetrator programmes. Studies have shown that arrest on its own works for some abusers, but not others. 60% of women reported some improvement after their abusive partner took part in a perpetrator programme but 80% reported significant change only if legal action, counselling and escape to a refuge of involvement in a specialist support were combined.

 

When anyone is living in an abusive relationship, or have escaped from an abusive relationship and are still being abused, it often has profound impacts and consequences on all parts of their lives, it may affect where they live, their relationships, their ability to work or study, their ability to be a good parent and protect their children, as well as their physical, mental and sexual health. It also affects their children and other people who love and care for them. It is very important for anyone living with violence and abuse to remember that there is practical and emotional support available, and this section provides information on how violence and abuse impacts upon individuals in different circumstances and explains what you can do to try and keep yourself safe, how to seek help and SAY NO TO FEAR.

The health impacts of violence and abuse

If you are a victim of domestic or sexual violence then it is important to seek help from someone that you can trust, including a health professional because violence and abuse can have profound impacts upon your health.

Experiencing violence and abuse affect people physically, socially, emotionally and psychologically. The particular impacts of domestic and sexual violence upon health include:

1. Domestic Violence is the leading cause of injury for women.
2. 25% of all incidents of physical violence result in injuries that need intervention, 10% of women are knocked unconscious, 5% will sustain a broken nose, jaw, or cheekbone and 2% broken arms or legs.
3. Women suffering violence and abuse are more likely to contract sexual transmitted diseases and experience gynaecological problems including: vaginal bleeding, vaginal discharge, painful menstruation, pelvic inflammatory disease and sexual problems, premenstrual distress.
4. Research studies indicate that women are more likely to have a history of childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, and/or domestic violence.
5. Women with histories of violence and abuse are more likely to experience chronic pain syndromes, psychosomatic complaints, fibromyalgia, gastrointestinal disorders, IBS, permanent disability.
6. Abused women are 3 times more likely to be diagnosed as depressed or psychotic; and 5 times more likely to attempt suicide.
7. Some women may use alcohol, prescribed or non-prescribed drugs to block out or cope with the abuse that they suffer.
8. Men who suffer violence and abuse may also sustain physical injuries and also find that their mental health is affected.

Development and use of Coping Strategies

To live with domestic violence takes a great deal of courage, strength and resolve.. It will deplete a woman’s energy levels greatly, as her whole life is controlled by the need to ensure that both she and her children can survive. To think herself out of this situation may take additional energy that she cannot summon up without consistent, co-ordinated and unconditional support over a period of time.

However, many abused women will try to minimize their pain and suffering by developing coping strategies. The following are some of the most common coping strategies that are used by women to try and deal with the pain of living with abuse. If you or a friend, relative or someone else that you know are being abused take a look at these strategies and try and work out which you or they might be using.

Type of coping strategy	Examples of actions that women may take
Formal help seeking	Calls police, contacts solicitor, seeksinjunctions
Formal help seeking	Approaches statutory agencies (health, social services, housing) or voluntary agency (refuge, help-line, advice centre)
Informal help seeking	Talks to friends, family; asks neighbour to call police; asks relative to intervene; seeks validation that her experience is serious
Denial, minimizing or blaming herself.	Denying to family, friends and agencies that she is being abused, playing down the level of the abuse and violence, taking responsibility for the abuse herself by blaming her own behaviour.
Escape behaviours	Walks away, barricades a room; flees house; goes to public place with CCTV; runs to mother’s house, uses alcohol or drugs to try and ‘escape’
Separation	Moves out; goes for residency, applies for divorce, residency order etc.
Hiding	Tries to keep address of home, work or school secret; disguises appearance,changes name
Appeals to abuser	Talks to ‘calm him down’; asks him to promise to stop; asks him to explain; tries to distract or divert
Legal strategies	Calls police, contacts solicitor, seeks injunctions
Compliance	Anticipates abuser’s demands: does things to please partner or stops doing things she believes might trigger violence
Withdrawal	From the situation, from society, from family and friends, develop depression
Resistance	Answers back, threatens action e.g. to
Self defence	Passive (blocking, resisting) and active(striking)
Uses children	Asks children to call police, to seek help,to leave
Personal	Dissociates, tries to pretend that its not happening, numbing; relies on faith

It is important to understand that:

There is no single best strategy for all women. No strategy is used in isolation; women typically use a combination, which varies across time. What works for one woman may not work for another and the same strategy is not guaranteed consistent success e.g. fighting back may have worked once, but another time may mean more violence and lead to increased risk.

Some strategies may result in an increase in violence or negative consequences in the wider social setting (e.g. a woman may become isolated and judged by her community for running away)

If you are a victim of violence and abuse then whichever strategies you have developed sometime they may work and sometimes they may not. The safest thing to do is to seek help and support, and let others help you to safely SAY NO TO FEAR

 

Many victims of violence and abuse use drugs or alcohol as a way of coping with the abuse they experience, or as a way of escaping from it. Sometimes, because of this someone might be reluctant to come forward and seek support and often fear they will be discriminated against.

Many women who use drugs or alcohol are scared of approaching agencies for help They do so because they:

• Fear that they won't be taken seriously
• Fear that they won't be believed
• Fear that they will be seen only in terms of their drug or alcohol use
• Fear that they will be labeled an addict
• Fear that their children will be removed
• Fear that nobody will help them
• Believes that they doesn't deserve to be helped
• Abuser might make counter-allegations against them
• Agencies believe that they are as bad as the person abusing them and don't deserve help
• Believe agencies won't take provide support to anybody who uses drugs/alcohol and are in chaos or don't have support for drug/alcohol use
• Fear that if the abuser is a woman’s supplier of drugs or alcohol that they may lose their supply and have to face withdrawal
• Fear that once the agency get to know about drug/alcohol issues, they will withdraw their support
• Fear that there is nowhere to go that can help her
• Fear of leaving support and social networks
• Are may be forced to take drugs/alcohol to get them addicted and more dependent on their abuser
• Fear that the abuser will carry out threats to tell other people about their drug/alcohol use
• May be so out of it on drugs/alcohol that they cannot find the strength to seek help
• May be so addicted that the need to score drugs or take alcohol may feel more important sometimes than getting help for violence and abuse

It is always difficult to consider what to do when you are in an abusive relationship. If you have a problem with drugs or alcohol then it may feel even harder and sometimes almost impossible. However you might feel, whatever you think the barriers are please come forward and seek support. Nobody will make you do something that you are not ready for, but you will be able to access support and help that may very well save your life. SAY NO TO FEAR and seek support however scared you are. Doing nothing will not improve your situation, in fact it will only get worse.

If you are being abused and have a drug or alcohol problem there are agencies that can help you and will treat you with the respect that you deserve. They will understand that you will need help and will support you and work with you at your pace. They will also challenge any discrimination against you and help you to SAY NO TO FEAR.

Whilst all women are vulnerable to domestic violence, being pregnant or having small children has been acknowledged as a particular risk factor. Many women are repeatedly raped by partners or coerced into having sex, and a significant number of women will become pregnant as a consequence of sexual violence.

Some men use repeated pregnancy, as a tactic to maintain power and control, after all it is very difficult for women to leave a violent or abusive partner if they are have a number of children.

• Many women report that physical violence often begins during pregnancy, or where it is already happening then it increases in frequency and severity during this time. 23% of women are at risk of domestic violence during pregnancy, 37% of women who are physically assaulted are assaulted for the first time during pregnancy, with the abdomen being the main focus of the assault. But all women who are physically assaulted will already be experiencing psychological and emotional abuse and may have experienced sexual violence and financial exploitation and control also.
• Domestic violence is more common in pregnancy than pregnancy induced hypertension, placenta praevia, twins or gestational diabetes
• Injuries, which occur during pregnancy, include: placental separation, fetal fractures and bruising, and rupturing of the uterus.
• An abused women is twice as likely as a non-abused woman to experience miscarriage, pre-term labour, stillbirth, give birth to a baby with disabilities, experience post natal depression, and/or experience the death of a baby in the first year of life.

• We know that in 90% of instances of physical violence children are in the same or the next room, and that a third of children present during an incident of violence will try to intervene and protect their mother. We know that three-quarters of children directly witness the physical abuse of their mothers, and that 10% witness sexual violence and assaults. This means that children can be injured or affected by what they are experiencing. Children tell us about how scared they are and they fear for their safety, and the safety of others. Children are always affected by violence and abuse and always know that it is happening.
• Many children get caught in the cross fire when their mothers are holding them, or they run to them to try and protect their mother. Children can get injured when this happens, and sometimes they die.
• We know that children will also witness the aftermath of episodes of violence, including their mother being distressed or depressed, or suffering from physical injuries, which may affect them emotionally and physically, and may mean their mother can’t care for them in the way that she would like to.
• An abusive man may also use children as part of the violence perpetrated against women, with children used as physical or psychological weapons, and being forced, coerced or encouraged to side with the man and encouraged to participate with him in the abuse of their mother.
• Children will be aware on a daily basis of the unpredictability of the situation in which they live, the atmosphere that exists, and the fear and intimidation, which means that the man is able to rule and terrorize everyone in their home. Many children will be shocked, embarrassed, and blame themselves for the violence (as their mothers do also) and will look desperately for solutions within themselves to end the violence. Many children (especially older children) will fantasize about hurting, or killing the man, as a way of stopping the violence.
• We now know that somewhere between 50-70% of children living with an abused mother will be directly abused by the man also.

If you are a victim of domestic violence you may feel that your children are unaware of your experiences, and you are helping them safe. But we know from talking to children that they do know about abuse, they are scared, anxious and at risk whilst they and their mother have to live with this behaviour. Links between domestic violence and child deaths

There are a significant number of child deaths that occur in households where domestic violence is happening. In addition many children who are killed at the hands of fathers/father figures are killed as a direct result of the man wanting to punish their mothers, and this is particularly the case where children are killed after separation during contact visits with fathers. If you are a victim of domestic violence then you must never under estimate the impact on your children, or the risks they may face. It is important that you seek help and support for both your own sake and the sake of your children

Mothers experiencing domestic violence can find themselves being prevented from parenting properly by the person who is abusing them. They can find themselves:

• Be undermined as an individual and a parent
• Finding it difficult to bond with or stay emotionally distant from their child/ren
• Feeling emotionally and physically drained, with little to give to their child/ren
• Not knowing what to say about the domestic violence
• Believing the child is fine and had not witnessed abuse
• Unable to address the children’s behaviour
• Relying on them to behave in ways to minimise the risk to her or themselves
• Lacking financial support or the physical means to escape
• Taking out their frustration on the children
• Being unable to provide appropriate structure, security, boundaries or safety and protection
• Failing to recognise or meet educational needs
• Being triggered by the children’s behaviour to re-live past abuse

If you, or someone you know, finds themselves unable to be the parent they want to be this can be very distressing. Domestic violence is not the fault of the person who is being abused, it is the fault of the person who is perpetrating it. Any worries and concerns that you may have about your own, or somebody else’s children, can be addressed by coming forward and seeking support. Agencies across Sefton will always do the best that they can to support mothers and their children who are being abused.

It is estimated that 1 in 4 people in the UK who are in a same sex relationship experience domestic violence. But people who are in a same sex relationship and experiencing domestic violence are still a largely hidden group of people.

Domestic violence affecting gay men/women can occur in many different situations. You maybe experiencing violence from a partner who you may or may not live with, and some people who describe themselves as gay may also experience family violence. Whoever is perpetrating abuse against you this is wrong and you should not have to put up with it.

You may be in an abusive relationship if:

• Someone is using or threatening to use physical violence against you.
• You are frightened, or feel responsible for your partner’s behaviour
• You make decisions according to what your partner wants or how they will react
• Your partner has called you names, degraded or humiliated you in private or publicly
• Your partner refuses to allow you access to money, controls your finances or exploits you financially
• Your partner has prevented you from getting/maintaining a job, participating in control of mutual resources, or restricting you access to your money.
• You have been forced to have sex or been caused pain sexually without your consent.

Whatever your situations this situation will impact upon your whole life and well being, please do not suffer in silence please come forward and seek help by contacting the support services listed in our directory of services. There is also a list of useful links on this website

It is really important that everybody understands that victims of domestic violence, and others significant to them, are at risk of serious harm or death. In some cases victims of domestic violence will feel that they have very little choice but to take their own lives as they just can’t cope with the violence and abuse they are experiencing. So who is at risk in domestic violence situations?

• Victims – are at risk in a range of ways from their abuser and their behaviour. Or may be at risk from the use of negative coping strategies.
• Children – are at risk from witnessing, overhearing or being directly targeted and abused themselves. They are also at risk of neglect or the repercussions of trying to cope themselves with violence and abuse.
• Pets – abusers will often target pets to punish victims and children.
• Family/friends/colleagues/neighbours – may be at risk if they try and intervene.
• Perpetrators – if someone being abused feels that they have no choice but to defend themselves then they may get injured or die as a result.

Professionals – may find themselves at risk if they intervene and the perpetrator targets them directly. In Sefton we use a domestic violence risk assessment tool to try and find out how at risk someone is. It is very important that a victim of abuse, and their friends and family and members of the community, all understand these risks, so that they consider them and talk about them and seek support. In this way we can all work together to manage them and try to increase the options for safety and survival. The risks are:

1. Separation, or considering separation
   We know that the riskiest times for victims of domestic violence are when they seek help with a view to leaving, when they tell their partner they want to separate, when they separate or after they have ended a relationship. Trying to end a relationship means that the abuser will lose their power and control, and these are the times that victims and their children are most likely to die. It is vitally important that victims don’t tell their abuser that they want to separate, and that support and help is provided to try and manage the risks before, during and after separation.
2. Perpetrator has a criminal record
   Some victims are also very intimidated by the fact that their partner/ex partner has a criminal record, and whilst most perpetrators are not violent in other contexts we know that where they have a criminal record, particularly for violence, or drug or alcohol related offences, they are less likely to be compliant with any legal interventions, and more likely to use extreme violence. They are also more likely to know people who they could ask to perpetrate violence and abuse also. Also very relevant is whether the perpetrator has a history of violence against previous partners, or family members. However, just because an abuser doesn’t have a criminal record this doesn’t mean that they won’t use extreme violence so please do not assume that this means that the victim is safe. Perpetrators of honour based violence often have no other recorded criminal record.
3. Injuries
   If injuries have occurred previously to the victim, or to another previous partner, then we know that this will significantly increase the risk posed by the perpetrator. Violence and abuse escalates over time and becomes more severe and if the victim has already sustained injuries then they are likely to go on to experience them again, and the next time they could be even more severe. Try and get a picture of the physical incidents that have taken place, sometimes a victim finds it very difficult to recall, but if you ask about the first time, the last time and the worst time they were physically assaulted then this will begin to enable the victim to disclose and consider their position and the danger they are in. Try to also work out with the victim if the incidents are escalating and getting more severe. Ask also about physical violence to others, including children and pets, as this will enable you to build up a picture of exactly what is happening in the household. Physical violence includes a range of behaviours an example of which can be viewed by going to the domestic violence page of the Say No To Fear website.
4. Weapons or access to weapons
   If the abuser has access to weapons, or is prepared to use weapons of any kind then injuries are likely to be more severe and the victim are more likely to be killed or seriously injured. Consider whether a perpetrator will have access to weapons via their job, or because of a hobby etc. Remember though that all of us do have access to weapons including kitchen knives, household objects, so its important to work with the victim to get them to consider this as they safety plan.
5. Threats to kill
   A victim will be an expert on their abuser, they know what has happened to them and if a victim believes that their perpetrator could seriously harm or kill them, or someone else, then they should always share this information and be taken seriously. But remember sometimes it is often human nature to play down the seriousness of abuse and to think that whilst your abuser is capable of some very dangerous behaviour, they may not be capable of killing someone. Threats to kill should always be taken seriously as we know many abusers tell somebody before hand that they are prepared to take this course of action before they do it. Please specify whether the perpetrator has threatened to hurt or kill themselves, service user, children, previous intimate partner, or anybody else.
6. Jealous/obsessive behaviour/controlling behaviour/stalking/ harassment
   We know from homicide reviews that abusers who are excessively jealous, have obsessive or controlling behaviour and/or stalk or harass their victims often go on to cause serious harm and kill. This behaviour can include being 'policed at home' or being told what to wear, being followed, abusive phone calls or texts, checking on whereabouts etc. Controlling, harassment and stalking behaviour, is part of emotional and psychological abuse, and is used by the perpetrator to isolate and control their victim. Please do not underestimate how serious this behaviour is and ask the victim to both report this behaviour to the police, and also keep a keep a diary of this behaviour, and any other evidence (notes, cards, text messages, call logs, voice mails, contacts to social networking sites, to friends and relatives etc) and share it with any professionals who are supporting them.
7. Violence and abuse from others on behalf of the perpetrator
   We know that some perpetrators will involve other people in the abuse of their partner or ex partner and this can significantly increase the risk of serious injury or harm. For example it could be that where the victim has been forced to marry that the perpetrator involves other family members in the abuse.
8. The perpetrator has : Alcohol misuse issues , Drug misuse issues, Mental Health Issues, and/or is on a Probation or community based perpetrator programme to try and address their violence and abuse. Whilst drinking alcohol or taking drugs, or having mental health problems does not cause violence and abuse we know that they can all increase the risks. More extreme injuries can occur and this can lead to serious injury or death. For the victim this can also mean that their level of isolation is increased as they may believe that agencies will not understand them and will judge them, or merely blame the perpetrator’s behaviour on these other issues. They may equally be frightened that by exposing these issues this could get their partner/ex partner into trouble with the Police, or Children’s Services may wish to remove her children.
   
   Perpetrator programmes are run by the Probation Service and are court mandated, and sometimes by other agencies on a voluntary attendance basis, and are designed to challenge men about their behaviour in an attempt to change them. In some cases being challenged can cause perpetrators to become more violent and abusive so its very important that when an abuser is attending a programme that support is provided to the person he has abused in order to reduce the risks.
9. The victim has: Alcohol misuse issues, Drug misuse issues, Mental Health Issues, a history of offending behaviour.
   These may have been present either prior to the violence and abuse or may be as a result of it. These may very well have very negative impacts on the life of a victim and their children, and its important that the risks are not underestimated but that the victim is offered understanding and support. All of these may mean someone feels depressed, anxious, and/or put themselves, or someone else, at further risk of harm. A victim may be very worried about telling someone about these issues because of being judged, not believed, perpetrator’s behaviour being excused, and/or her children being removed.
10. Victim has financial problems or is financially dependent on the perpetrator
    We know that where a victim of domestic violence has financial problems, or is dependent on the perpetrator, then they may feel that they are not in a position to leave, may be prevented from leaving or seeking help, and may feel that they have no choice but to return to a difficult situation. Being financially dependent on their partner means that they may have no earnings or their earnings might be taken away from them, or they cannot access benefits in their own right. Having financial problems and/or being financially dependent can significantly increase the risk of serious harm or death.
11. Perpetrator has financial problems
    This does not cause violence and abuse but if he is in difficult financial circumstances then a perpetrator may be less likely to think rationally about killing a victim. They may feel that they have nothing left to lose. The perpetrator may also use their own financial issues as a way of further controlling their victim, and this may mean that they persuade the victim to support them financially or take on debts in their name to protect the perpetrator.
12. Pregnancy or having a child/ren 18 months old or under
    When someone is pregnant, or has a small baby, we know they are at more risk of violence and abuse as the abuser now feels that she is unable to escape, and is more emotionally and financially tied to him. Where violence and abuse is already present it often increases with severity and frequency during pregnancy and whilst children are very small. We also know that having small children makes it more difficult to leave or seek help, and that small children cannot run away or tell anybody they are at risk of violence so they are more likely to be seriously injured or die.
13. Harm to children by perpetrator
    Where the perpetrator is harming children, or threatening to harm children we know that this will increase the risk for both them and their mother, and in these circumstances they are all at risk of serious harm or death. In addition living with violence and abuse dramatically increases the risk of children getting caught in the cross fire, being targeted themselves, and being forced to witness or over hear violence and abuse.
14. Conflict over children
    We know from homicide reviews that women and children are more likely to die if there are any issues connected to the children, where they live, who they live with, the fact that their father can no longer be with them full time, or can only see them at contact times. The perpetrator may well use contact with the children to get access to their mother, and abusive incidents often occur during these times. The perpetrator may also abduct the children removing them from the mother’s care. In addition the ultimate way to punish a woman is to remove her children from her care either temporarily (refusal to return them) or permanently (by killing the children) and contact should never be recommended unless the safety of women and their children can be secured.
15. Perpetrator living with non-biological children
    We know from homicide reviews that where abusive men live with children who are not biologically their children (step children etc) that they are more likely to cause serious harm to/or kill the child’s mother, as well as the child/ren themselves.
16. Perpetrator abuses, or threatens to abuse pets
    We know that perpetrators of domestic violence often target pets. Studies of men who go onto kill women and children show that these men often had a long history of abusing pets. Where the perpetrator has/does behave in this way then this should be viewed as a serious risk.
17. Strangulation, Choking, Drowning, Suffocation, Restriction of breathing
    Strangulation, choking, drowning, suffocation, or preventing someone from breathing in any other way, is the most common form of female homicide. Even where women die as a result of some other kind of behaviour we know that strangulation has often been used previously to control and abuse them. We also know that abusers may also target children in this way and this should always be taken extremely seriously. There can be serious health implications as a result of strangulation or any other restriction of breathing. If this has happened to you then please look at our information for victims of strangulation. If you are a professional working with someone who has been a victim of strangulation then please look at our information for advocates tool.
18. Sexual violence and abuse
    We know that where perpetrators are prepared to use sexual violence and abuse that they are more likely to kill. Sexual violence is often accompanied by physical violence and this can lead to serious injury or death. They have no respect for their victim, and are prepared to go to extreme and dangerous lengths to control her. Sexual violence is often very hard for victims to talk about and disclose and this can put them more at risk. For definitions of, and information about sexual violence and abuse please visit the domestic violence and/or rape and sexual assault page of the Say No To Fear website.
19. Fighting back or retaliation by the victim
    It is very rare that somebody is abused and never tries to stand up for themselves, sometimes verbally to begin with and when this doesn’t work they may try to defend themselves physically. For women abused by a male perpetrator it is very rare that they will not be more seriously injured, or they will find themselves having to make sure that there will be n o comebacks by taking action that may well result in serious injuries for their perpetrator. This can mean that some professionals get confused and blame the victim for the abuse. If there is any confusion about who is the primary aggressor then please use the primary aggressor tool on the Say No To Fear website.
20. Use of social networking and instant messaging sites
    Where a victim uses social networking and/or instant messaging sites then these can be used by a perpetrator to monitor and track her movements and behaviour, and considerably increase the risks of serious harm. Information on social networking sites can also be used by defence teams to prevent victims being taken seriously in court.
21. Isolation
    Isolation is a tactic used by domestic violence perpetrators to prevent their victims from seeking help or leaving. The more isolated a victim is the more likely their abuser is to be able to increase the level of violence and abuse and kill them. Victims might be isolated from family and friends and be prevented from developing any social or support networks. Victims of honour based violence often disclose extreme levels of isolation. Victims may also become more desperate, unable to leave the relationship, and this can often have an impact on the victim’s mental health, and they may feel they have no choice but to take their own life just to try and escape from the awful situation they find themselves in.
22. Personal, diversity or cultural issues
    We know that abusers will use these issues to further abuse someone. We also know that a victim of abuse may be less likely to be able to come forward if she is already experiencing oppression or fears discrimination.
23. Forced or coerced marriage
    We know that some people, particularly women are put under extreme pressure to agree to a marriage that they do not want. Often violence and abuse is used to ensure that these women are compliant and continue to be so Families and other members of the community may use extreme levels of violence and abuse to punish a woman, this can resulting serious injury or death. Women subject to forced or coerced marriages are more likely to be abused after marriage by both their husbands, and often other family members.
24. Honour based family and community codes of conduct
    If victim behaves in a way that is seen to bring shame or dishonour to their family, or members of their community, then extreme violence is often used to control or punish them. This can lead to serious injury or death.
25. Victim has suicidal thoughts or behaviour
    Sometimes the impact of abuse means that its victims can see know way out and feel that they have no choice but to take their own lives in order to be free. It is important to know whether a victim has ever contemplated taking their own life or attempted suicide as this obviously can seriously impact on the level of risk.
26. Perpetrator has suicidal thoughts of behaviour
    Where abusers threaten suicide they often do this to increase the levels of control on their victims, and make them feel responsible for their emotional and physical well being. This can mean that a woman may feel unable to leave and have to stay or return to a dangerous relationship. Most male perpetrators who commit suicide in these circumstances do not just kill themselves, they often kill the victim and/or her children. If an abuser has no respect for their own life, then they often have no respect for anybody else – they have nothing to lose by killing others.
27. On going criminal civil and family court proceedings
    We know that where there are any on-going criminal, civil or family court issues that this can seriously challenge abusers and may lead to an increase in risk levels . If an abuser is not compliant with these orders, or has previously not been compliant, then they have no respect for the law we also know that they are more likely to continue to use violence and abuse. This is not a reason not to take these types of actions but means that you will need high levels of support to do so, and agencies will be able to work with the victim to try and prevent the risks increasing.
28. Destroying property or criminal damage
    We know that abusers will often destroy property, or threaten to destroy property belonging to their victims, or family and friends. This behaviour can lead to injury or serious harm, or can prevent victims from taking other actions to try and make themselves safe.
29. Perpetrator significantly older than victim
    We know from homicide reviews that some abusers target younger victims, because they believe that this will ensure they are more compliant and give them more control. Where the victim was in their teens when the relationship started, and the victim is considerably older than they are they will have an increased level of power and control and that this is likely to lead to increased risks, serious injuries and/or death.
30. Recent downturn in the abuser's life (lost job, home, left the home, death of family member, no family/friends etc)
    Where things are going badly in an abuser’s life then we know that they may well believe that they have little left to lose and may take extreme action against victims and their children. This can lead to serious injuries, and even death in extreme circumstances.
31. Perpetrator has a history of lighting fires/arson, or threatens to use arson
    Fire kills rapidly and any fire related risks should always be taken very seriously.
32. Fear of further violence or injury
    If the victim believes that the perpetrator if likely to further abuse them then this should always be seen as a significant risk factor. It is important to understand and establish exactly what the victim believes the perpetrator, or others acting on their behalf, may do and to whom. However, whilst in most cases the victim is best placed to tell us as professionals exactly what the perpetrator is capable of, sometimes they are in denial and minimise the extent of the abuse they are experiencing.
33. 33 What is the pattern, frequency and severity of abuse
    In most cases abuse will increase in severity and frequency and this leads to more serious injury and death. Plotting the pattern of the abuse is vital to assess the levels of risks posed and also to help the victim understand the seriousness of their situation.
34. Victim minimising serious of their situation
    It is human nature to think the best of people. In addition the affects of abuse often mean that victims will minimize and use denial as coping strategies. Knowing about the risks and taking them seriously will increase options for safety and survival. Seeking help is crucial and thinking the unthinkable is very important. Where a victim appears to be underestimating the levels of risk posed this poses them at increased risk of danger and harm.

If there are 3 or more police callouts in the last 12 months

We know in most instances that women do not report abuse to the police. Where the police are called out by women or their children then this means that they are scared that they can no longer manage their abuser’s behaviour and they need someone to make the violence stop. Where neighbours or family and friends call the police this is often because there is a long history of this behaviour and they are concerned for the safety of the victim and/or her children. Homicide reviews demonstrate that the police had often been to the address on a number of occasions before death occurred.

If you are still being abused in any way, there is help available. There are people who can help you work out what is right for you, and you can decide what you want to do to regain control of your life and stop the fear. You may be worried about how you will manage without your partner or how you will take care of the children without him or her. Consider instead what you will gain: what you will be able to choose to do, and what you do and when you do it. If you have left the person who has been abusing you and you still feel at risk then again its vital to take some time to consider how to keep safe. Whatever your situation agencies can help you. Whatever form of violence and abuse you may be experiencing it is important that you tell someone about it. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone you trust - a friend, relative is often the first person people tell. This can be very helpful and means that at least people who care about you will know and can support you. Many people will call a helpline or domestic and sexual violence advice service. These are services that will be able to help you think through what you want without telling you what to do, or judging you. You can contact services that can help by visiting our Directory of Services.

It is vitally important that you contact support agencies and disclose to them, if you feel it’s safe, in order that they can support you and assist you to consider your options and seek help. If you are seeking help form any professional, including health professionals, ask them to document in their records your experiences of violence and abuse, injuries and any concerns that you have. Professionals cannot share this information with the person who is abusing you and if they did so they would be breaking the law on data protection. They can only share this information with other professionals if they believe that it is in your best interests to do so e.g. you are at high risk of harm, your children are at risk of harm, or your case is referred to a Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conference (MARAC). Professionals should tell you in what circumstances they will share information.

Whatever you decide to do it is vital that at all time you think about safety – both your own and the people around you, including your children (if you have any) . Think about when are you safest and when are you most at risk? Talk this through with a trusted person and think about how you can increase your safety - it isn't your fault that you are being abused and you aren't responsible for it, but you can also make some changes to increase your safety.

For example can you get to your phone in an emergency? Can your children stay safely out of the way or get help if you shout out a code word? Could a neighbour call the police? Can someone call you to make sure you are all right at different times; with a code word you can use to alert them if you aren't? Many victims of violence and abuse are ashamed to tell agencies about the abuse, as they mistakenly think they will be judged or that they will not be able to hurt them. In particular many victims are scared of telling the police about the violence and abuse they are experiencing.

Making a report to the police if you can is so important - almost every form of physical and sexual abuse is illegal, and so are many forms of emotional and psychological abuse, as these can constitute harassment. All Merseyside Police Officers are trained to help you and risk assess your particular situation. Merseyside Police also have specialist Domestic Violence Officers. It's their job to help survivors through the process of reporting a crime and seeing it get to court wherever possible. They can also, very importantly, refer you to services that can help meet all of your other needs.

It is also important to consider telling the Courts if you are feeling unsafe as in certain circumstances they can also help. You can apply to the civil courts for an order or injunction telling your abuser to stop threatening, hurting or harassing you. This can include stalking - if they have been persistently following you, hanging around your house, making repeated unwanted phone calls or sending unwanted text messages, and this is causing you distress or fear, the court can tell them not to do that and punish them if they do it again. The police can also take this action on your behalf if you report it to them.

You can also talk to other trusted people within your community and networks. Talk to your Health Visitor, GP, Midwife, Social Worker, Housing Officer, Tutor, Teacher, School or College Counsellor, Religious Leader, Connexions Advisor, Boss or anybody else that you trust and feel comfortable with. They may be able to help to reduce the risks if you are worried that your abuser might be able to harass or threaten you at your home, school, workplace or college. They can make arrangements that can increase your safety and reduce the risks that you may face.

If you live with your abuser you may not be ready at this stage to make the decision to leave a violent relationship or situation. There are many things that you can do to keep yourself safer while you are still there. Please visit our keeping safe page on the website, and also consider making a safety plan that can keep yourself and your children safe. You can also share it with any support worker you may have.

But please always consider the following information which will help you to try and keep yourself , and your children, safe if you are in a situation where violence and abuse is present: Think Ahead - Think about what you will do if an incident of violence occurs, how will you ensure your own safety?

Minimising risks to children - Identify ways of trying to minimise the risk to your children, getting them out of the room, house sending them to get help etc. They are reliant on you to make them safe so this is vital. Teach your children to use 999 and ask for the police if they are scared and they are witnessing violence or abuse. Talk to your children about staying safe (help them make a safety plan for children) how they get out, where to go, what to tell people. Planning to take all the children that you can with you is important (the longer children are ‘left at home’ the harder it is to get them later). But if you need to leave without them in an emergency then do so and agencies will support you to try and get them back as soon as possible.

Emergency planning - Think of somewhere that you and your children can go in an emergency. Please ensure that you are in touch with key support agencies and call them when you need to, particularly if a crisis occurs (visit our directory of services). Talk to friends or family about staying with them in an emergency. Please be ready to call 999 if you or your children are in immediate danger. Involve your community - Ask neighbours and friends that you can trust to call 999 if they see or hear noises that could mean you or the children are in danger. (Think about what you will scream or shout if you are attacked.)

Think about phone/computer safety - Use a call box or a friend’s phone to keep calls private from your abuser. If you are using your mobile phone make sure you delete all calls or texts that could identify you are seeking help. Always store any specialist agency’s number under the name of a friend or someone that will not cause your partner to be suspicious and put you in more danger. Always delete any computer usage that could provide your abuser with information about you and your plans. Be careful what information you put on social networking sites because this could provide the perpetrator with information about where you are and what you are doing.

Important papers, information and personal possessions - Keep birth and marriage, any documents relating to your immigration status.certificates, passports, medical cards etc together, or copies in a safe place if you can. Keep benefit books, bank and building society books handy if this is possible, if not then keep the account numbers or reference numbers safe. Have rent or mortgage details available if you know them. Decide what to do about personal items or valuables; e.g. family photos are often important later. Try to get them out of the house and somewhere safe if you can. But if you can’t remember that your safety is more important and that things can be retrieved later if necessary.

Keep with you at all times – some money/loose change in case you need to get away or use a pay phone, a phone card or mobile phone all of the time. Carry your driving license, car registration and details of car insurance with you at all times.

Try and have some money - Hide some money, credit cards, and open your own savings account if you can (but keep this secret from your abuser/s). If possible try and put a little bit of money away just in case you need to escape in a hurry.

Getting into your house in an emergency - Hide or leave spare keys to your house and/or car with someone you can trust.

Medical needs - Have any necessary medication for yourself and/or your children ready, ask your doctor for extra in case you have to leave in an emergency. Also make sure that any appointment cards, medical notes are with you so that your abuser cannot see them.

Spoken English is not my first language - Have someone write out a statement of your situation in English if English is not your first language, or you have communication difficulties.

Have a photograph of your abuser - this is really useful for serving court documents, or to give to security at your workplace etc.

Pack a bag if you can - which contains a spare set of clothes for yourself and the children, and any other things that are important including: favourite toys, important documents, important photographs, a spare set of keys for the house/car, a bit of money if possible, and if possible get the bag out and store it with a trusted friend. Leaving it in your home may put you at further risk.

Get legal advice - Access a good solicitor who will be able to explain legal options, your panic about your situation will be reduced if you knows your legal rights;

Tell people - you trust about the abuse and get a trusted friend to ring/check on you at least once a day. Using key words that will identify to your friend whether you are safe or need help is very important. Ask them to call the police if you use the key word and tell them you are in danger.

Use this site - Spend some time looking at the information on this website. Understanding what has happened to you and why will help you to make decisions about your safety. Making a personal safety plan for you and a safety plan for each of your children could save you life.

We can also help you to make your home, or the home you move to, safer by installing the Sanctuary Scheme. To find out more about the Sanctuary Scheme please visit the Sanctuary Scheme page on this site.

Many victims of violence and abuse feel that reporting violence and abuse to the police may make things much worse, or that they wouldn’t be taken seriously. This may have been true in the past but now the police take these reports very seriously and will provide you with a range of support and help to try and stop this happening to you again.

In an emergency always dial 999.

You can walk into any local police station to report violence and abuse. They will then ensure that you can contact the Family Crime’s Investigation Unit, or if you have been raped or sexually assaulted then you can report this to the police or contact the support agencies in the directory of services. For more information about reporting domestic violence to the police please visit the Reporting to the Police section of this site.

Women Subject to Immigration Control

When women come to the UK to marry a UK national then they are subject to something called the ‘2 year rule’. This means that if their marriage ends before 2 years have passed then she is required by law to return to her country of origin (unless she can prove she is a victim of domestic violence or fits into other immigration rules or by being able to show that her human rights would be breached if she were forced to leave the UK) .However, if anyone is a victim of domestic violence then they can make an application asking for something called ‘indefinite leave to remain’ as soon as it is relevant within the 2 years to the UK Border Agency. This will be granted if it can be proved that the marriage or relationship breakdown was as a result of the domestic violence, and the applicant is no longer living with the their partner.

It is an extremely common threat for abusive men to argue deportation will be the consequence, or threaten to have women deported, if their partners leave or seek help for the abuse they are experiencing. Seeking help is very important as this will assist any woman experiencing domestic violence not just to be able to access support and services, but also to be able to begin to develop evidence that may well assist her in any future immigration claim.

Even where the two years temporary leave to remain is due to expire, with a couple still together, the settled spouse or unmarried partner does not have to support an application to the Home Office, and may use this fact as another means of controlling or threatening his wife or partner.

Sometimes the reverse situation occurs where it is the man (who perpetrates violence and abuse against her) who will face deportation if she leaves and this too can place additional pressure on a woman not to leave a violent and abusive relationship.

There obviously needs to be some proof that domestic violence took place; and evidence of violence and abuse includes: an injunction, non-molestation order or other protection order made against the sponsor; a relevant court conviction, or full details of a relevant police caution against the sponsor. But the UK Border agency recognises that its very hard for women to report domestic violence, particularly those who are not from the UK, and supplying this level of evidence, can be hard and so other evidence is also allowed including:

• Medical reports or a letter of support from a GP or a hospital doctor confirming that the women has injuries or health impacts as a result of domestic violence;
• A police report confirming that the police have attended an incident as a result of domestic violence;
• A court undertaking;
• A letter or report from a Social Services Department confirming their involvement as a result of domestic violence;
• A letter or report from a domestic violence support service;
• A letter from the Chair of the local MARAC confirming that the case has been to, or is going to MARAC;
• Witness statements from family, friends or from other official sources can be submitted, but will be treated by the UK Border Agency with caution.

If a marriage breaks down after 2 years and a woman has been granted settlement (that is, indefinite leave to remain) in this country, it will not affect her immigration status. The only exception to this is if the Home Office believes (and can prove) that settlement was granted through deception, for example, the couple had never intended to stay together. However, this is very rare.

Women in doubt about their immigration status should always contact an immigration lawyer, or an organisation such as asylum link. the OISC website also, can be used to find details of immigration advisers in a local area, and the Legal Services Commission lists solicitors and law centres which can give immigration advice.

Immigration status and the right to use the NHS are not directly related. Anyone who is ordinarily resident in the UK, or is allowed to stay permanently, or intends to stay permanently, is exempt from charges for GP or clinic services.

Immigration status does not affect state schooling for children under 16, if they are with a parent, relative, or accommodated by or in care of a local authority in the UK.

Local authorities are required to check an applicant’s entitlement to services by, for example, asking people to produce their passports.

Women who have entered the UK as Persons from Abroad subject to a prohibition on claiming public funds should be advised that claiming certain benefits and services may put them in breach of their conditions of stay – never try to claim without checking with a specialist advice agency or immigration lawyer first.

Most people who are in the UK with a “limitation” (or condition) on their right to stay are not entitled to certain benefits and services. A person who is subject to a ‘no recourse to public funds’ restriction, or who is an illegal entrant, who has overstayed, or who is subject to deportation or removal, will be included in this rule.

Public funds or benefits being subject to an immigration test means that such individuals are not entitled to:

• Income based Job Seekers Allowance (JSA)
• Income support
• Housing Benefit
• Council Tax Benefit
• Pension Credit
• Child Benefit
• Attendance Allowance
• Disability Living Allowance
• Carers Allowance
• Severe Disablement Allowance
• Non-contributory incapacity benefit
• Child Tax Credit
• Working Tax Credit
• Social Funds Payments
• Local Authority Housing under homelessness provisions

However, please note:

• Refugees,
• People with Exceptional Leave to Remain (ELR),
• Humanitarian Protection,
• Discretionary Leave,
• European Economic Area (EEA) and Swiss Nationals and their families,
• Commonwealth citizens with the right of abode,
• And most people with Indefinite Leave to Remain are still entitled to these benefits.

However, some people who have indefinite leave to enter or remain, such as elderly dependants, may still be restricted from claiming the first five benefits listed above, by a formal written maintenance/sponsorship undertaking – N.B. this undertaking ends if the sponsor dies, and regulations also allow a benefit claim to be made after 5 years (after entry or undertaking, whichever is later). A person should not be denied benefit solely due to being subject to informal sponsorship arrangements, though they may be subject to a ‘no recourse to public funds’ restriction.

Where one of a couple or family is not a Person Subject to Immigration Control. A claim for any benefit (apart from housing benefit and council tax benefit – get advice for these) can be made by that person e.g. Child Benefit for a child who is not “settled”, Working Tax Credit or Child Tax Credit; or income support at the single person rate, without this impacting on the immigration position.

Benefits which are not currently classified as “Public Funds”

• Payments under the Children Act 1989 e.g. Section 17 payments where there is a dependant child who is in need.
• National Assistance Act 1948 help where there is destitution coupled with mental or physical disability.
• Community Legal Services Public Funding
• Education grants
• Contributory benefits
• NHS treatment (some hospital treatments may incur a charge e.g. ante natal, birth)

If a woman in ineligible for benefits, she may be able to be assisted by funds from charities – e.g. Women’s Aid Federation may have a small fund available to support women who require refuge provision.

If you have a friend, family member, work colleague or neighbour you are worried about, you can use the interactive questionnaire to see if your gut feeling is the right one. If you think they are being abused and you want to help, you can:

• Make arrangements to see your friend on their own, not with their abuser, as often as you can, and make sure that they know you are there for them – this might be tough as their abuser will
• Try telling them that you are worried about them, saying why you are worried and asking if they want to talk to you about it. If they don’t then please don’t be offended but remind them that should they want to talk to you in the future that you will be there to listen.
• Talk it over with a mutual friend and see what they think.
• Never approach the abuser this could put the person being abused and also yourself in danger.
• Find out about where the person that you are worried about can go for help and where to find more information - not so that you can tell your friend what to do, but so that you can share this with them so that they can access help so that they can decide for themselves.
• Try to help the person you are worried about to feel good about themselves. If their abuser has been undermining them, their self esteem may be low, so let them know how much you care about them, or tell them how great they are looking or how much you appreciate their company - you know best what your friend might like to hear. And keep giving them positive messages in the future.
• Try to arrange social occasions that involve the person you are worried about without their abuser, but without doing this obviously – this will give you opportunities to check how they are, and for them to talk if they want to.
• If your friend's abuser starts to criticise or upset your friend in your company, consider saying something letting them know you don't think this is acceptable.
• Be aware that the abuser may try to undermine you and isolate the person you are worried about from their support network, for example they might make it very difficult for them to go out or be rude to you if you visit.

Remember always prioritise safety - yours and theirs. The abuser won't appreciate you getting involved so be careful about what you do and where and when you do it. Have a look at how to Safety Plan with the person being abused on this website.