Safe Dating - Adult Women
Many women do not realize that violence and abuse including sexual assault is very common. We don’t want to frighten you as going out with someone can be fun, and we would not want to suggest that you or your friends shouldn’t date, just that you need to be careful and ensure that it’s safe and that you are not put at risk. So we would suggest that you always:
- Go out in groups and meet in public places.
- Have a safety plan and tell your parents or other responsible adults about where you are going on a date, with whom and when you will be back. At least then if you are not back when you say you will be your parents or friends can check if you are safe.
- When going out with someone for the first time, dating in a group or with another couple is advisable. Don’t go out on your own because you can’t be sure what will happen and how the other person might behave, even if you do know him and you think he is really nice.
- Try to get a friend to call or text you at agreed times just to check you are okay. It helps to have a key phrase or word that you can say should you feel at risk – that way you have an excuse to speak to someone and they can assist you to get away safely.
- If you live with someone else and they aren’t at home when you are going ut with someone, avoid giving that information to your date. He might suggest coming back to your home and then things may get out of control and you may feel pressured or forced into having sex.
- It’s okay to be choosy. You don’t have to go out with just anyone. Just because somebody likes you it doesn’t mean that you have to like them! Being single is better than being in an abusive relationship.
- Remember that you are special and important and people love you however old you are. Don’t settle for anyone just because they ask you out. No partner is better than an abusive partner.
- Remember nobody has the right to call you names, put you down, humiliate you, or physically hurt you in any way. Healthy relationships are relationships that make you feel good – not those that upset you or make you unhappy, or depressed. If you are in a relationship then take our on-line relationship quiz to check how healthy your relationship is. You can use the quiz to check previous relationships also.
- Be honest about what you want and don’t want. You have a right to set limits. Don’t worry about hurting someone’s feelings or being polite.
- If someone is trying to force you to have sex, use the word RAPE. That can be shocking on a date. It's fairly common for date rapists to believe that what they are doing isn't rape. You can also lie...say that you are on your period, your friends or flatmates will be right back, someone is expecting you or that you have told people who you are going out with, and that everyone saw you together. Whatever lies you have to tell its fine if this helps to keep you safe.
- If you decide to go out with this person then always check him out. Remember though that abusers are very charming and will often be the nicest person you can meet at the beginning of a relationship
- It’s okay to walk away from an uncomfortable situation. Don’t worry about what it looks like, or what everybody else thinks if it’s not comfortable then it’s not right!
- Always carry enough change to make a telephone call just in case your mobile phone runs out of charge. Always charge your mobile phone before you go to meet someone and make sure you carry it safely, and make sure that you have extra money for a taxi in a case of an emergency. .
- Be careful not to drink too much alcohol or take drugs when you are on a date. You will be less in control if you do this and may not be able to get away if you need to.
- Always go to the bar with someone buying you a rink and make sure that they don’t put something in it. If you are going to the toilet, or to dance, try and make sure that you don’t leave your drink unattended as your date, or someone else could put something in it whilst you are gone.
- You don’t owe anyone anything – it doesn’t matter what he has done for you, whether he has bought you a drink, a meal, paid for you to get into the cinema you do not owe him any kind of sexual activity
- Trust your instincts and be assertive. You have a right to say “no” or to say that you are expecting someone or have to make a phone call in order to get out of an uncomfortable situation.
On-Line Dating
Maintain your privacy. Avoid giving out your name, address, phone number or any private information, such as the name of your place of work, any clubs you belong to, to anyone you don't know. Be cautious about revealing any information that could identify you. People can pretend to be anybody on-line – he might be really good looking, but he could be a sex offender.
Never meet someone you've met on-line. There is no way to know who you are communicating with on-line. You might put yourself in danger by meeting them. If you think it's okay, talk to other people you trust and see what they think. Never go to a meeting by yourself. REMEMBER...This could be a very dangerous situation. It is best to avoid meeting people you've been communicating with on-line. If you do decide to meet them then you must tell someone and never go on your own ever.
Taking Care of Yourself & Your Friends ~ Reducing Risk
Most victims of violence and abuse including sexual violence know the person who assaults them. It’s easy to think that this happens to other women but all women are at risk however old or experienced they are. We are not trying to frighten you but there are things you can do to try and keep yourself safe.
Avoid parties where there is excessive alcohol or drug use. Often drugs and alcohol are used to get women to be incapable to saying no to sex even if they want to, and this is rape.
- If you’re going to a party, get your friends to stay with you and look out for each other. We know that you might feel that this is unnecessary but it's a great way to protect each other. There is always safety in numbers.
- When you’re leaving, don’t announce that you are walking home to everyone. Try to stay in groups. If you use a taxi then call a reputable firm and book it in advance, never get into a car unless you know that it’s for you. Sometimes rapists stop and pretend to be taxi drivers – Always give your surname when you book a taxi and ask the driver what the name of the person is that they are there to pick up.
- Be cautious about giving too much personal information to someone you just met. Rapists are very good at being very nice and friendly so always be very careful.
- Avoid being alone in unknown or isolated places.
- Be aware of your surroundings and what is going on around you. If you have consumed lots of alcohol or drugs you may not be in control or be able to make rational choices and decisions.
The Impact of 'Date Rape' Drugs
It’s not just about alcohol anymore. There are drugs known as “date rape” drugs, these drugs can cause memory loss and black outs, leaving victims unsure as to what, if anything, happened. Here is the rundown on the three most dangerous drugs out there.
Rohypnol (also known as "Roofies, Ruffies, La Roche, R2, Rib, Rope")
It’s colorless, odorless and tasteless. It causes drowsiness, confusion, amnesia, blackouts and muscle relaxation. After ingestion, it begins to affect the person within 30 minutes. The results peak after 2 hours. Add alcohol to the mix and the effect lasts 8-24 hours.
GHB (also known as "G, Easy Lay, Liquid X, Georgia Home Boy")
“G” is odorless and colorless. The drug is ideal for rapists since it gives a feeling of relaxation, sensuality and loss of inhibitions. Other effects: dizziness, nausea, amnesia, seizure like activity and coma. GHB takes effect within 15 minutes of consumption and lasts for 3-6 hours, longer with alcohol. Large doses can induce sleep within 5-10 minutes.
Ketamine (also known as "K, Special K, Vitamin K, Kit Kat")
Known as Special K, ketamine causes hallucinations, vomiting, dizziness, flashbacks, increased heartrate, amnesia and dissociation (a feeling where the mind seems separated from the body). It is available in liquid, powder or pill form. Effects begin within 5-20 minutes and lasts for 2-8 hours.
For more information on drink spiking and keeping yourself safe please go to our drink spiking page.
If you are in a relationship then please take our on-line relationship quiz. This is fun to do and will help you to think about how safe your relationship is.
Sometimes, however careful young women are, they cannot avoid violence and abuse. If someone hurts or harms you in any way then please tell someone, seek help and support, and remember this is not your fault. You will find lots of useful information on this site including our directory of services.
So have fun, date safely, and take care by SAYING NO TO FEAR
